For example, imagine that you and another person are both waiting in line at a busy grocery counter during a holiday rush. You have the sense that both of you think you are next in line. You have two choices. You can choose to ignore the other person and push persistently forward, or you can engage that person in conversation in an attempt to find common ground. Perhaps you are both shopping on your lunch hour, or you are both thinking about what you can cook for a quick dinner. If you can find common ground, you can then reduce the hostility that is building and break the negative cycle.

Saying, “It’s busy in here today, isn’t it?” lets the other person know that you see them. Saying, “I was distracted getting into line: were you here first, or was I?” lets them know that you are uncertain and focuses their response on action instead of both of you standing in line wondering.